So, you wanna know about babies huh? It makes sense, isn’t that something we are all curious about all the time? Babes are so dang cute and there are some families that you wish would just have like 20 kids.
Then there is the other aspect of wondering how many kids someone is having. The comparing aspect. The side that wonders if you are having enough kids. Wondering if you are somehow less of a mom because your friend down the street is pregnant with their 5th and you have less and don’t think you want any more. The wondering if you will ever feel like you are done having kids, or if you do feel like you are done having kids you can be left to wonder if it is a REAL feeling or a temporary feeling because babies are cute but SO HARD.
There is also the comparing of how each of us handle pregnancy. Sally from instagram looks so cute pregnant but you feel like a beached whale. Maybe you aren’t doing enough and maybe the next time you get pregnant it will be better. Maybe the next time you are pregnant you will work out the whole time.
Surely you will, surely you will do all the things right and when you compare your pregnancy to Sally’s you wont feel like a slacker just trying to get by.
And dont even get my started on the comparing of who is a more loving, patient, happy, crafty, cloth diaper, co sleeping, all eco friendly, never an ounce of tired, always smiling mom. Surely if you have just one more kid you will be able to get it right next time.
Or maybe you can’t relate to these thoughts, but I can, because they are all mine.
I am not here saying that I had 4 kids because I was desperately trying to “get it right”. That is not the case at all. BUT these are thoughts that ran through my mind after Wyatt. Maybe if we had a 5th child I would be the perfect Insta mom that some how doesn’t get drepression during pregnancy. Maybe I would have a rocking pregnant body and bounce back in weeks like I am “supposed to”.
But maybe I wouldn’t.
I stressed about whether or not to have another kids from about day 2 of Wyatt’s life. Which is silly because all through my pregnancy I had a feeling like we were done. I knew that he would be my last pregnancy. Then he was born. And he was prefect. And I wanted 20 more. But I also didn’t want 20 more. So I stressed, and stressed, and stressed. There were days it consumed me. I cried to friends and family because I felt so confused and distracted.
Then all the sudden I got sick and I stayed sick for about 3 months straight. During that time my husband and I had the most reassuring confirmation that we were done. We weren’t feeling overwhelmed with how many kids we had or how young our kids were, we just had a quiet confirmation that all the sweet little spirits that were waiting to come to our family had finally made it.
I can’t tell you how amazing that feeling was. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I knew that I wasn’t going to have to deal with pregnancy depression any more. I wasn’t going to have to deal with trips to the hospital because my body can’t handle supporting me and another person at the same time.
Now I am in a new, weird phase of my life. For the past 7 years I have either been pregnant or nursing, but now I am neither. My kids are only getting older. We are only moving forward. Once Wyatt starts walking we will never again have a baby crawling through our house. Once he starts talking I will no longer have babbling in my house. Once he is running we will never look back. It is scary and so exciting. Some times it makes me cry to think about all that we are saying good bye to but more often than not I am overwhelmed with excitement for our future. Our future with our 4.
Saying it out loud is kind of weird, but here you have it folks...
We are not having anymore babies. Our Murdock clan is 6 strong and not changing anytime soon.